God Has Been the Missing Piece

As I was pulling up to my job of 1 year and 8 months, I had a revelation.

Back story. The job I'm at now at age 44, was my first job out of college. I started here at age 21, same building, same boss, same role. It's wild. I'm a Health Fitness Specialist for a corporate fitness company at a pharmaceutical company. When I started here back in 2000, I was not well, but didn't know it. I was hyper-fixated on weight loss, strength and muscle gain, food rules, workouts and just my body overall. I constantly tried to adhere to a strict diet, but always gave up after a few days every single time because I just couldn't sustain it. A binge always ended the week and then I re-started the unsustainable on Monday. I reached my highest weight ever and my lowest on the self-esteem scale. For 7 years, I bounced back and forth between the corporate fitness world and physical education. Then I realized, I needed to take a break from the fitness industry. I wanted nothing to do with it. I needed to heal. I just wanted to be "normal."

Enter becoming an actual corporate employee for a life insurance company. For the next 14 years, I no longer had the self-inflicted pressure of being a fitness professional and looking and behaving a certain way. I organically healed my relationship with my body and food by chilling out, but this was not a linear healing, it certainly had its ups and downs.

Near the end of 2021, I had my 2nd anxiety/panic attack at work. The first one was months earlier at work, this one was working from home. It was all work-induced. I hated the work I did for 14 years, never thought I became very good at it, it made me feel sad and unfulfilled, and it didn't even pay me well. I was lost. I wanted out for years but didn't know where to go or what to do. I ended up taking a 1 month medical leave in December. I could no longer handle doing this work anymore and my mental health was in the garbage. I immediately hired a career coach. I knew I had to make a change and had no idea where to start. As part of my homework, I had to do research on the field I wanted to work in. You may be surprised to know that I wanted back in the health and wellness industry. I had healed my mind from the ridiculous demands I used to put on myself, and had a confidence I could re-enter the industry as a healed and healthy woman. I had already been working out again at home for 2 years during Covid times (my job went fully remote), I felt good, I was feeding myself well, it just felt right. As I was researching companies and job opportunities, I landed on my old corporate fitness company. I paused. I remembered telling myself that I'd never do corporate fitness again. But I trusted that this time it would be different and I immediately contacted my old boss through Facebook. I merely inquired about the industry, asked if it had changed at all through the years. In response she informed me of an opportunity that just popped up in her facility on that very day! I couldn't believe this was happening! We made an appointment for me to come in for a chat which lasted 1.5 hours. It went really well. I was quickly and officially offered the job. I was so happy I could finally work in a field that excited me, as a healthy woman.

For 8 months, I was so happy. I was living the life I wanted to live. And then it all came crashing down. I kept getting sick over and over, my 10 year battle with digestive issues got even worse. My voice was shot, I could no longer sing (my part time job), my allergies were flaring, I got Covid again, my muscles and joints hurt, I was severely fatigued, I had no energy, I was a mess. I became anxious and depressed. All I could say to myself is...why is this happening to me?! I was happy!! I recalled that I started weaning off my anti-anxiety med and anti-depressant in September and was off by late October 2022, exactly when my health started to decline. Perhaps there is a correlation? By April of 2023, after many public bouts of crying (such as at my daughter's science fair and at my in-laws' on Easter), I had made the decision (along with many friends and family urging me to consider) to go back on my antidepressant. It took a month to start feeling better.

I sit here today now reflecting on my time here at my "new" job. How have I changed since being here? What good has come of my "starting over?" And that's just it. I've realized that I didn't come here to be the fittest or healthiest me, I was put here by the grace of God to be stripped down and reborn...to meet some beautiful and impactful people here and to connect deeply with family and friends, new and old...and most importantly, to find God. I have found strength from my struggles and purpose in my pain. One particular new friend here has shown me my own beauty and God's beauty. She has shown me love and has been the one person here who has influenced me to look at life through a different lens. And while I've been appreciating this new friendship at work, I have been experiencing great love and support from so many family and friends, they know who they are. In 2023, I found myself actively and purposefully seeking God, seeking Jesus. He has been speaking to me through the people who have been reaching out to me to make sure I'm ok. They have shown me selflessness and love, as they were also going through some really tough stuff as well. The phone calls and in person talks meant the world to me. Earlier in 2023, I told my brother and sister-in-law that I wanted to read the Bible and by the next day, an NLT Bible was at my doorstep. 2 weeks ago, I told my Dad's neighbor that I was on a spiritual journey, and a few days later, he had left me an NIV Bible. I mean, the sweetness, the thoughtfulness...my heart is so full. My brother and sister-in-law have been extremely influential this year, and not because they forced anything on me. They simply showed me love and in return, I sought Jesus. They have been there for me with all my questions, and I have not felt ashamed or afraid to tell them where I am with my faith (I am curious...desiring, seeking and learning). I have several neighbors and new friends in my development who are devout Christians. I am a pretty vocal person, so I've been making it known to them that I welcome any words of wisdom or guidance they may have for me. They have been amazing to connect with and it's comforting to know that I have people close by to turn to. Again, my heart is full. And is it a coincidence that my upstairs neighbors used to belong to the same church (Liquid) I just started going to...and they belonged for 15 years! And they were key people in the community. I just found this out (and they have been running their own ministry for quite some time now)! I visited Liquid Church at the suggestion of my brother and sister-in-law since they were members when they lived in NJ, and found that I truly love it! I look forward to bringing my family there in the weeks to come! This year, I also discovered Leslie Schilling from a work webinar. I was drawn to her because she is a non-diet approach R.D. I started listening to her Audible book "Feed Yourself" and learned that she too, is a Christian. I long for more influences like her. We all need to love ourselves more by learning how to nourish our bodies mindfully and intuitively, the way God intended.

My family and I recently got together with friends who we see about once a year and I opened up about my spiritual journey. They were encouraging and also very honest about their recent life experiences as Christians...it's not always easy, as I have learned. I had a follow up phone call with the wife shortly after our visit and was so happy to hear that our talks have been lifting her up spiritually! This is why I love connecting with people, especially in person. Humans with pure hearts can have an incredible impact on each other and I believe God is speaking to us through each other. Last week, I met with an old, amazing friend who I hadn't seen in forever. We picked up right where we left off, like no time had passed. We talked about life, and yes, we talked about God. That was actually most of our conversation. She showed me support, love and encouragement, which I truly value so much. I told her that I am somewhat ashamed of who I've been. I question why we, as a modern society, value material or unimportant things. I told her I feel myself changing and I've been searching for a deeper meaning and purpose to my life. I've shared this with a few others as well. I believe I am going through major evolution, maturation, transformation and personal growth and I am grateful to have her and so many others to share this journey with.

I have now made another meaningful connection at work with a beautiful young woman. We were already friendly, but when I opened up the God conversation to her by asking her a simple question, I discovered that she too is a follower of Christ. She has been someone I ask my deepest questions to about life and God. I feel blessed to have this new friendship with her.

I have made several spiritual connections at work with people lately and I am so grateful. When I feel I can trust someone, I open up, and magic happens. My eyes, ears and heart are wide open. Again, I feel my presence here at this particular gym was to find God through these loving connections. I have learned that God is Love. And the love I have received this year has not gone unnoticed. Last week, I put my daughter's cross necklace on that her "Nannio" got for her a few years ago. I've been wanting one for myself, but haven't gotten one yet (my request is in, hehe). I never took wearing the cross lightly. I would never wear one because I knew it had a very deep meaning and I didn't want to appear like I was following Jesus if I really wasn't. The point of this story is...we never know what tomorrow brings, only God knows. And I love knowing that people, including myself, can transform and change. I know my heart was always pure, especially as a child, I remember her, and lately I've been longing for more of her again...more purity, purpose and meaning to my life and I believe that God has been the missing piece.

I used to believe that my professional life was supposed to be a big part of my identity because after all, that's where we spend the majority of our day. But now I'm starting to understand that my identity is not my job; it is my heart, the muscle that means the most.